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Opening Monologue For A Comedy of Indeterminate Length

“My name is Heather and hello thank you for coming.

I see you and I ask myself: What did I do before I met you? A bunch of bullshit is what. That is the answer. I ate candy and squirmed at lovely things and spun silk smiling smalltalk. I looked and I said ‘The universe is so so big, you know, and everything is just how I please, everything is starscapes and folk songs and full of dancing when I want it and only quiet hugging tears when I do not. Everything is only folk songs singing down mossy green to halfway houses made of pumpkins and everybody sleepy like heather reading by the window seeping silent orange light, reading Nabakov and knowing like I know that everything will be green moss and pumpkins forever because we are all connected by quiet strings of universal majesty, and these are the most humble Gods, and everything will perpetuate our eternal youth and sing songs for everybody lovely on Facebook

But this was naive. This was before I met you. Speaking of you:

Look at the person next to you. Did you come with them? Why? Were they your first choice? Your second? The person you always go to these shows with? Are they a date? Do they say so or do you just know so? Are you denying your interest? Are you denying your secret wish that they will love this so much that they’ll have to skip the tepid drink and fuck you straightaway after?

Speaking of you:

You are probably not happy. You say you are, but you are not. You may feel OK most of the time but this is not the same thing as happiness because happiness is not a passive state. I am so happy these days. I am so happy now that I know you. This is not my natural condition, but through determination I force happiness upon myself because I force myself to see a world full of cheery things, of feeling good and the infinite mystery of joy by making joy from mysterious things. It is not that i ignore the ugly or the bad, I am not a coward, it is only that I deny it now. This is not hard. I deny it to its ugly, terrible face. I will do this to you too my friend. I will make you look in the mirror and I will say, ‘When you put yours pants on, your worn and torn pants, you terrible thing, do you think to yourself ‘My god I am a piece of shit, my God I will do poorly today’. No. You see your pock-marked scowling face and think that it looks good today, you terribly bad and ugly thing. I will make you find your self-esteem and natural goodness and if this fails I swallow it all with my smile and my sunshine dripping teeth which smile themselves with little pockmarks of yellow and gum, I will swallow you into a box called ‘complicated’ and from complication I will craft beauty and goodness and moss-green meadows, or dancing and revelry, or whatever it is that is my happiness today. There are no ugly things, only things to be marveled at for complication for awe is a lovely way to cover up the bad and ugly things. I see and swallow and now that you have paid to be here I will swallow you as well. I will swallow you and make my happiness for I am happy through the enduring force of will. Nothing is wrong. Wrong cannot stand with me by the mirror. I will not allow it. I will not see a dentist, either.

I am so happy to be here. Speaking of you, you are not happy to be here. You would like to use the bathroom. You think you can control it but you cannot, you are uncomfortable and because of this you cannot appreciate me with your body. Your mind, maybe, enough to reflect later, but your squirming sack is too full of boozy urine to take me into you, to feel catharsis properly. That will come later. That will come when you return if you don’t drink so much next time but of course you won’t return because you only came to check this off your list anyway and now you would only go if a very pretty girl asked you to. Oh how I long to swallow you, dears. Oh how I will swallow you now, you sickly lovely complicated thing. No more bullshit. No more sadness now.”